"A Tale of Revenge, Ch. 1" Project Discuss
#1
You may discuss A Tale of Revenge, Chapter 1, here - EZA's first animation production.
SimsHsia
EZS Web Services
"I've reached field capacity!"
#2
Would it be easier if I was to actually put the first chapter into script format? Maybe make a change or two to make it more interesting visually?
Of A Revolution Wrote:And we would sit, and wonder about the future,
But now I'm thinkin' that today sounds fine to me.


[Image: toriban.png]
#3
Sure, go ahead. Smile
SimsHsia
EZS Web Services
"I've reached field capacity!"
#4
(Mon Nov 28 2005, 03:31 AM)Toriban Wrote: Would it be easier if I was to actually put the first chapter into script format? Maybe make a change or two to make it more interesting visually?

Wow, that was a year ago and I still haven't gotten around to it. I am incredibly disappointed in myself, but not too horribly surprised.
Of A Revolution Wrote:And we would sit, and wonder about the future,
But now I'm thinkin' that today sounds fine to me.


[Image: toriban.png]
#5
Yes, times change, people change. Smile

There's always winter break to look forward to, I too have not started the new EZA site in over a year as well; I guess we all are pulling a Microsoft here with delaying our own projects. Smile
SimsHsia
EZS Web Services
"I've reached field capacity!"
#6
Ha! I'm going to have to redo those lines I did a couple of years ago because now looking in on them my voice sounds really high like a small child and the voice acting was kinda...bad.I'll get on that as soon as I'm done being highchool's *****...
Skin wrapped around bone and soul
#7
I wish we could get Toriban back in touch.
Nux
EZS Writer
"Don't waste your time or time will waste you."
#8
If he dosen't respond soon I'll look him up and call him! Cuz I'm skilled like that Ninja
Skin wrapped around bone and soul
#9
The novelization of AToR is currently at 31 chapters. I have decided to split the work into two parts. Part 1 ends after Chapter 28.

There is currently a paper copy of Chapters 1-28 for proofreading purposes. The un-proofread version of Chapters 1-28 are available upon request to EZA members.


As a side note, AToR was only ever going to be a working title. If any of you can come up with a cool new title, I'd love to hear it.


And grats, Kupo, on your mighty ninja skills.


Edit: Whoo! I found the old banner and my old avatar. I think I'll stick with Tedd for now, though.        
Of A Revolution Wrote:And we would sit, and wonder about the future,
But now I'm thinkin' that today sounds fine to me.


[Image: toriban.png]
#10
31 chapters?? Wow, Cannot wait to read them. Email them to me sometime if you want, I do want to look over them. Although, over the years, I doubt my writing skill has kept up with the advancement in yours so, not sure I will be able to proof-read adequately like I used to.

As for the progress of this project, I edited the post in the Project thread. Check it out.
Nux
EZS Writer
"Don't waste your time or time will waste you."
#11
I'm going into a final push to turn AToR Part 1 (Chapters 1-28) into a publication-worthy work. An up-to-date version of the work will be available to the EZS team to provide insight, suggestions, negative/constructive criticism, and proofreading.
Of A Revolution Wrote:And we would sit, and wonder about the future,
But now I'm thinkin' that today sounds fine to me.


[Image: toriban.png]
#12
I'm with you a 100% buddy. Let me know if you need anything.
Nux
EZS Writer
"Don't waste your time or time will waste you."
#13
As I may or may not have said, I'm going with a (another) full rewrite of this work. I felt the version before was too... needy, I guess for lack of a better word. It tended to try to shove the story down your throat as opposed to being an enjoyable read.

Many things have changed in the newest rewrite. Entire chapters have been moved, characters have been written and un-written. Most noticibly, names and terminology have been altered to create what I feel is a better flow.

Examples:
Allendrie - Allendri
Issin - Isenn (The pun is more noticeable, eh?)
Damien - Damon
Childe - Chyld
Other - Magi


Many minor characters are being up-written, having larger parts and more lines, like Keebly (whose name as also been slightly altered for those playing along at home), Tabitha, and Cherub makes an actual appearance as opposed to just being talked about.


Now, for the most important part. Below is the same two chunks of the first chapter, but from different incarnations of the story. Please if you would, give feedback on which is better, and depending on your responses I may or may not figuratively shoot myself in the head.

1.
-----

The tutor droned on, but Allendrie didn't care. He never paid much attention to them anymore. After 14 years of strict schooling, he was just sick of it all. As the Prince-Heir of the Dewvron Empire, he had been trained since birth to become the next ruler, whether he liked it or not. Allendrie had always felt that his brother would make a better ruler than him.

At least, that's what he used to think. Over the past few months his brother, Selphrin, had been acting unusual. Allendrie had noticed that his brother had abandoned most of his old friends with hardly any care at all.

Selphrin had also begun to slack on his duties. As Prince-General he controlled the small standing army that was kept by Dewvron in the unlikely event of an attack by a neighboring nation. This, of course, was fairly pointless, as Dewvron and it's neighbors, Omerta and Gerran, had been at peace for almost three hundred years. Nevertheless, a standing army had always been kept, and it was the job of the Prince-General and his officers to train and maintain this army.

For the two years since command had been given to Selphrin, there had been three generals who had loyally and intelligently helped command and train. These men were suddenly relieved of command and position and replaced by two men who came from near the Omertan border: A tall, cocky, blonde-haired man named Issin, and a slender, quiet man named Damien. The two had immediately set about recruiting villagers and expanding the ranks of the army.

A sharp jolt of pain across the back of Allendrie's hand brought him out of his thoughts. The tutor slipped his ruler back into his breast pocket. Allendrie rolled his eyes as the tutor turned his back and walked towards the blackboard. He pretended to work on the problem that was soon written on the board, figuring out how much longer he had until his classes would end for the day.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doskrin sat at a wide table, staring at the chessboard intently. He fell deep into his thoughts, searching out every possibilityfor his next move. He knew there was a victory there somewhere, if only he could find it. This continued for several minutes until an annoyed cough from his opponent brought him out of his trance. Finally noticing what he had been searching for, he made his move. Doskrin's opponent studied the move extremely carefully, then shook his head and sighed. "Checkmate."

Doskrin began to slowly return the granite and ivory pieces to their velvet pouches. "That's three losses in a row, Selphrin. I had hoped that the commander of my army would have a more... tactical mind." Doskrin signalled a servant to take the board and pieces away.

Selphrin laughed politely. "Perhaps I was merely distracted, father. There has been something weighing on my mind that I need to discuss with you."

Doskrin absently drank from a glass of water brought to him by a servant. "What would that be, my son?"

"It is about your successor, father."

Doskrin's expression changed to anger the instant the words hit his ears. Standing, he placed his hands on the table and spoke with an edge to his voice. "Have we not talked of this before? The law states that Allendrie will be my successor, regardless of your feelings on the matter."

Selphrin rose and spoke with equal anger. "Why can the law not be changed? You have the power, father! You know that I would be a much better ruler than that pitiful little brat!"

"You are wrong on both counts, my son. Changing a centuries old law would create a rather large distrust of us amongst the people." Calming himself, Doskrin returned to his seat. "And though you do possess several of the qualities befitting a ruler, you lack compassion and personality. Your brother, despite all his flaws, is incredibly dependable and very charismatic towards the people. You, on the other hand, have developed somewhat of a short fuse since your mother died."

Selphrin, enraged, slammed his fists on the table. "Foolishness! Pure and utter foolishness! You are the ruler! You command these people's lives! You should not care what they think of you!" Selphrin's eyes now flared with lust and rage. "They are nothing but pawns to you!"

Doskrin was on his feet in an instant. "And that belief is the reason why you will never be Emperor! You have to learn that it is the people who control the government, not the other way around."

"You are wrong, Father!" Selphrin flared his cape behind him and turned towards the exit. As he reached the door, he turned his head and said one last thing before he left the room. "One day you will see that the truth of the world is that the strong rule and the weak serve. On that day you will wish that you were stronger."

Doskrin simply shook his head as Selphrin left. Rubbing his head in a futile attempt to rid himself of his headache, he took another drink. Looking up, he noticed the small team of servants standing with horrified and concerned expressions on their faces. "That boy will be the death of me."
---------------------------------



And now for 2.
-----------------
"...so, making this discovery, he went on to revolutionize thoughts on the laws of nature themselves." Cheville glanced up from his book and studied the class before him. Any normal man would be frightened to even speak to one of them.

Of the seven students, all but one of them was a Chyld, the son of one of the nation's lords, offspring of the noble and prominent. The seventh was the prince-heir, child of the King himself. "Now, who can tell me what this man's name was?" As usual, only three hands rose: those of Chylds Dalta, Fangora, and Barran. The other three Chylds continued their conversation, oblivious to the fact that they were supposed to be learning anything at all, and the price-heir was staring out the window blankly, twirling the pen in his hand absently. Cheville sighed as he pointed to Chyld Dalta for the answer.

"Is it Eston Nowlan, Instructor Cheville?"

"Yes, Vykk, that is correct." Cheville grunted slightly as he lifted a stack of seven yellowed books, then moved toward the long table that seated all the students. He placed six of them on the table and checked the binding of the one he held in his hand. Satisfied that the book was one of the copies bound with leather and not with wood, he threw it forcefully, striking Chyld Durran in the temple.

The effect was immediate, with Chylds Durran, Fletchins and Leary making mumbled apologies and each taking a book. "Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica," Cheville continued, "was his defining work on the natural laws of motion. I expect you all," he glared at the prince-heir at this, " to finish up to page thirty before we resume tomorrow. Class dismissed."

-------

Doskran sat intently at the table, leaning over the chessboard to search his options for the possibility of victory. He remained still and focused for several minutes, barely noticing an impatient cough from his opponent. Doskran lifted his eyes slightly to see his son Selphran sitting irritably, his arms folded and his right index finger tapping his left elbow in frustration. With a slight frown Doskran moved his piece, then sat back in his chair, mimicking his son's posture with a sarcastic grin.

It was Selphran's turn to lean over the board, but with a look of frustration rather than the focus his father had shown. He moved his piece deliberately and leaned back,expecting his father's turn to last at least as long as it had previously.

Doskran's move was immediate, though, and after another few seconds of study he declared, "Checkmate." He began to place the captured pieces into their bags as Selphran confirmed his loss. " Three losses in a row. Hardly your usual level of play." With a quick hand gesture a serving girl appeared at Doskran's side to take the game board and pieces and replace them with a cup of lightly watered wine. "Is something troubling you, son?"

"Well, yes father," Selphran replied as he eyed the serving girl's figure with a quick smile. The girl caught his eye and showed a semblance of a frown before returning to her cheery fake smile. "It is a is a troublesome matter to discuss, though."

"I've always told you that you can speak to me of anything, my son."

"Very well, father." Doskran let out a great sigh before continuing. "Well, its just that, you're not getting any younger, father, and you're almost to the age where grandfather passed away. Is it not time you decided upon the matter of your heir?"

Selphran, midway through raising his glass, raised his eyebrow instead. "I did not realize it was a matter for decision. The laws clearly state that the first male son born from my queen will be heir. Thus, Allendri will be King in the event of my death, and barring the birth of sons through him, you will be next."

"Are you implying, father, that my mother was not your queen?" The coldness in Selphran's voice caused his father to lower his eyes in shame for a moment.

"Y, your mother was not of noble blood, you know this, and..." His sentence trailed off as his eyes met his son's again. "You...still blame me, don't you?"

"Of course I do. You were the one who sent her off to that God-forsaken country. And did you shed a single tear at the news of her death? Of course not."

"A king mus-"

"Yes, I know. 'A king must refrain from committing private acts in view of those who would question his strength.' You made sure to drill that bit of wisdom into my head while I was still first. When I was your favorite."

"That's not fair and you know it," Doskran replied with a dark glare.

Selphran practically screamed his response. "Of course it's not fair! Was it fair when my mother's grave was still fresh and you brought that God damned tramp in to replace her witho-"

Selphran was cut short by the sound of his father's fists smashing against the table. A rivulet of blood seeped from out from the knuckles on Doskran's right hand. The wine glass toppled, spilling onto his wound and adding to hid anger. "Enough! You do not speak of your liege's lady in such a way, and you certainly do not speak such ill of the dead! I loved your mother, just as I loved Allendri's, and though I wish I could reverse both their deaths, I'm afraid I do not have that power."

"But you do have the power to stop that worthless little brat from driving this country to ruin after your death!"

"Better a worthless brat than a disrespectful little piss ant!" Doskran regretted the words the instant they left his mouth, and Selphran held a wild fire in his eyes as his hand moved unconsciously to his sword hilt.

The moment felt like an eternity, their eyes never breaking away from each other. "Fine," Selphran said, pushing in his chair as he stepped back from the table. "If you'll excuse me father, I'll leave you to more pressing matters."

As the door swung closed behind his son, Doskran motioned to the serving girl to refill the spilt wine glass. "Good Lord," he mumbled under his breath as he sipped from the fresh glass. "That boy will one day be the death of me."
Of A Revolution Wrote:And we would sit, and wonder about the future,
But now I'm thinkin' that today sounds fine to me.


[Image: toriban.png]


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